In a couple of days it will be the anniversary of my daughters death. It was 24 years ago that she went home. I will always remember her opening her eyes to say good-bye. She was going to be with her twin. I don't talk about it much. It was never a secret to my children but I did hide my pain. Actually, I stuffed it away...way far away. It has tried to creep up a few times and I just shove it down....deep. This year seems to be different. My heart aches. I am feeling every disappointment. Disappointment in myself as a mother at that time and I'm disappointed that didn't share more with my girls. The twins were their blood sisters. Our son is there half brother and it seems to be easier to share a bit with him. I don't if that's because his father wasn't involved or because I'm talking more.
My little sister was about 12 when the twins were born. Jessica died at birth and Melissa lived for two months. She was in Children's Orthopedic Hospital the entire time. My sister spent almost every waking moment I had with me at the hospital. She made her little signs for her incubator and kept me company. I don't think I ever let myself feel it. It was my fault they were gone and didn't want to face that. I was separated at the time. My husband was living with his girlfriend from work. His sister decided that the twins should be adopted out. He said he agreed. I told her with no uncertain terms that I would care for the twins. You see my daughter Kristy was just over one at the time. She would just be turning one and half when they were scheduled to be born. I had premature labor in my fifth month.
Monday I was having a very, very hard time. I shared this with a friend of mine who is currently in Arizona. I don't know her really, really well but enough. I wasn't sure why I was sharing this with her. I have friends close by and I wasn't sharing my grief and sadness with them.? That's it...she's not in Washington. I shared through email of course.I can be vulnerable because she's so far away. .... Skip forward to today. I went to run some errands and when I came home there was a box at my front door. I figured it was a fabric book of mine that I have been waiting for. Nope...a basket of the most wonderful Lavender bath products. It is from a flower company and the gift card just says....If I was there I'd give you a big hug. Thinking of you.
I guess I feel like I don't deserve the hug. Kindness. I can't blame anyone but myself for this ache I feel so deep down inside. I'm not suppose to cry, right. Wouldn't that make me the sensitive one! I remember so clearly those days. So many things. Visualizing my girls playing outside. Feeling so lost and so alone. Trying to work, take care of my one year old and driving to the hospital everyday. She was so small, so tiny. so venerable. One day I was in my little Dotson B210, driving on 405, the s curves is what they call that area. I thought about just turning the wheel really fast and really hard. That would surely put me flat against the guard rail. I didn't obviously but I imagined it. Then one day as I was walking out of the hospital, I looked up and said God you are going to have to do something. I don't think I can do this any longer. He did. He took away her misery. He didn't send her to my home but brought her home with him. She was such a fighter. She had made it through so much.
I remember being 20 years old with a one year old, pregnant with twins and telling my doctor that I needed some help. He asked if I had been smoking pot? NO, my eyes are red because I've been crying. My husband told me this morning that he's been having an affair and wants out of our marriage. The doctor patted me on the leg and said "oh, you'll be fine." I also remember one time leaving the doctors office and my chart was open. In big red letters it said high risk pregnancy. I asked the nurse about it and she replied "oh we put that on all charts that are for twins." Here's some pictures of my box of memories. The crochet blankets were donated to the hospital, the blue and red outfit was for a doll and the long pink outfit my x-mother-in-law made her. I hope this doesn't upset anyone. If you've read this far...thank you for being there.
Melissa Ann Jensen 1-25-84 to 4-13-84
Another unfinished piece. I messed up using the tissue around the fish? I will definitely need to color them. I'm afraid to try and peel the tissue paper off. The caption reads "mommy and me". I think I will outline the words in white? Again not sure.
This is a 16 x 20 canvas board. It's finished but the picture isn't good enough to put on ETSY. I will list it soon for $45.00. If you are interested you can email me. :)
I just love this! First the words "Enjoy the Moment" is a rubber stamp. One of my dear and awesome friends bought it for me years ago. She is actually the one that started me on all of this art stuff. :) Many thanks for that. Anyway..This is sure to bring spring indoors. 16 x 20 canvas board. $45.00
This piece isn't finished. I had to put it away because I have been spending WAY to much time on it. Don't you just love the flash?! NO I will pay better attention next time someone shows me how to use the camera.
